About a year ago, my mother decided that I should try internet
dating. It made sense: I'm an introverted nerd, the internet is full of
introverted nerds, and maybe an e-romance website would help me find an
introverted nerd of my very own. She also informed me that "The internet is full of liberal, atheist freaks like you" (because I am so opposed to dating "god-fearing Republicans"). I took it, found a site (which will remain nameless), and opened up a profile. Hilarity ensued, and this is fast becoming the most important entry in
my running list of advice my mother gave me that I never should have
taken, because damn, people are seriously crazy.
You see, I'm not just introverted and
nerdy. I'm also fairly attractive. This is a problem, because other
introverted nerds see the conjunction of relative nerdiness,
intelligence, and hotness and start acting creepy, which freaks my
introverted self the ever-loving fuck out (in addition to making my
inner radical feminist throw temper tantrums). You would not believe
some of the insane things people have actually said to me:
1. "Have my children." Not only has this actually happened, it's happened multiple times.
Ew. Gross. While you can argue that dating is ultimately a quest to
find a suitable person to combine DNA with (unless you're childfree, I
guess), it's definitely not one of those things you mention on the
first date, much less on an internet dating site. Seriously. What on
earth would possess me to mix my awesometastic DNA with that of a
freaky pervert who happens to be older than both of my parents (42 and
45)?
2. "Be my sub [or insert any other variety of recipient of non-mainstream
sexual preference]." Thanks to the internet, I have reaffirmed the fact
that I am a freak magnet. I'm really not sure how or why that's
happened, but I really wish it would stop. I'm not a prude by any
stretch of the imagination, but seriously, folks, discussions of possibly deviant
sex practices shouldn't happen until at least the fifth or sixth date
(or whenever you determine that there is a realistic possibility that
sex will actually occur). Hardcore BDSM is not an appropriate
springboard for a conversation unless you are on a special forum for
that kind of thing. Asking random strangers on the internet to dress in
head-to-toe latex so your fiberglass ropes won't chafe them is not
cool, daring, edgy, or sexually arousing, even to people who are into that kind of thing.
It's creepy.
3. "Have a three-way/poly fling with me and my girlfriend/wife." This really
bothers me for a couple of reasons. I think a lot of this is the direct
result of me making the grievous error of honestly stating my sexual
orientation (which is really unfortunate when you think about it). Once
again, unsolicited sexual propositions (outside of appropriate forums)
are sketchy. That said, people really need to get it through their
thick heads that being queer is NOT the same thing as being polyamorous
or into three-ways or other forms of group sex. To assume something
like that is really obnoxious.
4. "Hi, I'm (at least) fifteen years older than you, think your profile
is 'deep,' and want to date you!" I can't think of any not-sketchy
motivation that someone that much older than me would have to want to
date me. I'm fairly mature for my age, but I'm still twenty-two, not
finished with undergrad, and think I know everything. I'm pretty
sure I'd drive anyone from that age group up a tree, and yet they still
insist on hitting on me. Ick. Bonus creep-out points when they're older
than my parents.
5. "Hi, I am a hard-core Christian Republican who hates everything you
stand for. Will you have sex with me?" I really love it when people
with blatantly misogynist opinions hit on me. Really really. It's like,
"Oh, you hate my ideology but you'll grace me with your sex because I'm
hot enough to meet your dubious standards-- but only until you find a
Nice Christian Woman to take home to your parents and eventually
marry?" And they always seem to think that I'll be more than happy to
hop in the sack with them and get completely offended when I inform
them that I don't have relationships of any kind with sexist cretins
who don't respect me. I've kicked guys out of my room for being
anti-choice before, and I'll do it again. It's not negotiable. The
entitled attitude that they have makes me ill.
6. "I just got in from Iraq and I'm a WAR HERO. It's your patriotic
duty to nail me!" See above. Once again, I'm not sure what would
possess a DECORATED WAR HERO to hit on me, an ultra-liberal pacifist
who has opposed the war in Iraq since well before it even started--
except for the prospect of hot sex with an easy liberal chick. Sorry,
Bubba, it doesn't work that way. I hear they sell confederate flag
bikinis down near the Country Music Hall of Fame. You can find you a
nice woman there.
This is just the short version.
I'm still keeping my account. The LOLZ it's provided me with have been
invaluable in times of stress, and I've made several really cool
friends from it as well. I'm not really interested in romance at this
stage, anyway. And when I get interested again, I'll hit the bars,
because they're way less weird than the internet- and when someone's a sexist jerk to me, I can slap them or throw a drink in their faces, which, sadly, you can't do on the internet (yet).
